So i was youtubing..and I checked my subscription to Jermaine Dupri where he talks about different topics and he posed a question. You see he posted a picture with 4 white women and asked people which one is sexier and a few black women asked him "Where the sista's at?" His question to youtubers was something like "do you think its a reason that black women are asking this question and to give your views". So , I put my opinion and was going back and forth with some white guy. Some how the topic got twisted into dating prefrences and artificial black women................PAUSE! I had an issue with the terms "artificial black woman". His definition was a black woman that uses fake haire, colored contacts, etc. to change her appearance to look similiar to another race. I fail to understand why is it that when a black woman wants to change her appearance she has to be selling out or she has to not be proud of who she is because she wants to look different. My thing is this...I have had afros, twist, weaves (glue/sew), dyed, relaxers, worn wigs, fake nails, had contacts..damn near done it all and it was damn sure not because I wanted to be of other race or no other bullshit like that. It was because they were things I wanted to do for me things that  I wanted to try for myself. The thing is why can't having a weave just be apart of who you are. You wear weave..and thats IT! It has to be this whole issue and you all of a sudden have to be called artificial. As a people we struggle everyday trying to figure out who we are and who we want to be..well some of us do. I know that there were many times where I would change my opinion about something just because someone I liked had a different opinion and wanted us to have somethign in common..but thats a bit off topic. The thing is..whoever you are..be proud because there are too many small  minded people that will try to bring you down because they don't understand you. Chances are they aren't meant to understand you.

I didn't have the strength to go up to MSU and see these people that I was in school with tell me how great their lives are when I am still trying to make sense of mine. I graduated in a major im not interested in doing shit with and as much as I tried doesn't look like I can if I wanted to. Wasn't like the people who are my "friends" called me or anything and asked me if I was going to go any way so I didn't have added pressure to go which was good. I just hate to put myself in a situation that i'm going to be unhappy explaining what i'm doing with my life now. I am taking my life day by day doing something different from the last day but it's hard even doing that when I have a huge lack of MOTIVATION. Recently when I was thinking about going back to school for my Masters the main person that tried to keep me from doing that is the closest person to me...MY MOTHER. Now for some who don't know if it was up to her I wouldn't even had went to MSU a long time ago. Let her tell it "I wasn't expecting you to want to go to college..". I guess when your own mom wants you to fail its kinda hard to stay strong.

 As for my people going through the same things as I am..I think its at a point where we need to lift each other up because reading all your entries always push me to stop crying and feeling bad about myself and what I haven't become. All because I know that i'm not alone and I want you to know that you are not neither. We can't let some made up time frames or anything keep us down. I'm tired of people telling me "it will come" and "you have to pray on it". It just made me not want to share with them at all and just start back writing down goals as I make them up in my mind and pushing myself to try to acheive them but its hard without the motivation but it can be done.

 

*Counting the I's in this entry..guess im a little selfish

so...here we are. I am yet again not so great but i need to let everything out so here it goes. I am self-employed for now. been looking for a new job for several months and nothing as of yet. Its hard to accept a pay decrese when you wasn't getting paid much in the first place. Its even worse to add that decrese in with a job that you really don't want to do but the bottom line to it is..ITS A JOB! Meaning its better than nothing at all and it brings me another step closer to something else because the bottom of most of my trouble these days is my finances. Good thing..My credit is going to look a little better come this time next year because I made it my business to get my credit in order so that I can have something great going on before im 30. Turned 26 on the 3rd..I partied like I didn't have a care in the world it felt good until the next week when I realized I spent money I had no business spending.

 

Side thingy...Had three dates last weekend. I know its crazy that im dating and I don't have myself together but I refuse to let a good one slip away in the midst of my madness. I don't want a relationship right now because im getting myself together but I do want support in whatever form it comes in. I am really liking one particular guy but he is showing me signs of my ex-boyfriend. You know the things that my ex-boyfriend use to do that led to our ending. Its upseting but that wasn't what attracted me to him. Neither one of us wants a serious relationship right now , not until we get our shit together well as far as  I know. As for the other guys..HELL NO! They were horrible one..was too hood for my classy and the other was nasty (sexually). All three i talked to on the phone with for at least 3 weeks or more before we actually went out and you know how some people are..they say one thing and do another.

Back to the program..so its so damn hard trying to get an ok job these days..i think what upset me most is recently there was a family get together and in front of everyone, one of my aunts inlaws asked me if i was working..although im self employed and have some sort of money coming in i told her NO. Then she asked if i was in school and i told her NO. Then she made this face that was like so distubing to me and the whole thing keeps playing in my mind oer and over. Then I wonder why they hell should i be in school..last time i checked I hae two degrees already and althought I thought about going for my Masters degree that still doesn't mean that I am going to get hired in any fucking where and im not ready to go back to school. So, if i go now it would be just to say that im going and not because I actually want to go. Plus im not eager to spend the little money that I do have on school anything.